All is fair in love and war, NOT!
by Wheeliefan101
Summary: Think all is fair and love and war? WRONG! There are still rules ya gotta follow! (I know, it stinks) But since you look like you don't know much about the Cybertronian war, I'll show you the ropes. That is...if I don't offline first. Oh well, just another solar cycle in the life of a warrior!


**#1 ALWAYS REMAIN QUIET DURING A MISSION**  
Ironhide, Jazz, and I were on a mission  
We were hiding behind a stack of energon cubes, waiting for the 'cons to show up so we we could sneak attack them  
I got tired of waiting  
So I yelled, "ATTETION DECEPTICONS! PLEASE COME OUT WITH YOUR SERVOS OVER YOUR HELMS SO WE MAY KICK YOUR TAILPIPE!"  
Which earned me a big "SHHHHH!" from Jazz and Ironhide  
Which caused the Decepticons to find us  
Let's just say the mission was not a success  
Er...whoops?

**#2 SPACE SLUGS ARE ALLIES, NOT PETS**  
I was lonely  
So I decided to get a space slug  
Those suckers can be MEAN and NASTY  
Yeah...  
DID NOT go over too well  
Ratchet was not too happy when he heard how I got injured

**#3 NO TRYING JET JUDO**  
I'd heard someone had done it before  
I wanted to try it  
So, I waited for a seeker to come along  
Drove along side it  
Flew over a ramp  
Then transformed and jumped on its back  
That guy was not very happy  
He flipped over, causing me to fall off  
Unfortunatley, there was a dark energon spike  
I landed on it  
It hurt  
*sniff* a lot

**#4 SARCASM IS NOT APPRECIATED DURING GRAVE SITUAITONS**  
"Optimus: Bumblebee, we're locked in an enemy fortress with enemies all around us who want to destroy us  
Bumblebee: So you're saying that's bad?  
Me: No, Bumblebee, it's wonderful! Possibly the best thing that's ever happened to us!"  
I received a lot of glares  
Mainly from Bumblebee  
"Bumblebee: Recycling? That doesn't seem so bad  
Sideswipe: Yeah? What do you think they're recycling?  
Me: *coughing on fumes* It's certainly not air fresheners, I know that!"  
Apparently, the 'cons do not like the smell of their prison beinga insulted  
"Bumblebee: What is THAT?  
Me: Your DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"  
I got a very long lecture after we finished that mission  
"Ironhide: Bah weep grohna weep ninny gon  
Warpath: What is that?  
Me: He just said your femme parental unit eats lugnuts in another language"  
XD  
Whoo boy!  
The fight that broke out after that one!  
"Megatron: Not bad for a LIBRARIAN! Maybe you should've spent more time in the PIT!  
Optimus: Maybe you should've spent more time in the LIBRARY!  
Me: UG! WHY WON'T YOU TWO JUST LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE?! HE *points to Optimus* WANTS TO READ DATA PADS! HE *points to Megatron* WANTS TO GO IN A PLACE THAT SMELLS BAD! JUST LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE!"  
Megatron was not happy  
Well, neither was Optimus but at least he didn't shoot his cannon at me  
I have learned my lesson  
I don't use sarcasm anymore (*sarcasm*)

**#5 STYLE IS NOT EVERYTHING**  
Jazz  
You should know this by now  
He nearly killed me when he tried to find a stylish way to take out that destroyer  
"Me: JUST SHOOT HIM ALREADY!  
Jazz: Hold on, I almost have the perfect shot lined up...  
Destroyer: RAWR! *snatches me up*  
Me: AAAAAHHHHH!  
Destroyer: *tries to snap me in half*  
Me: SWEET MERCY! SHOOT HIM JAZZ, SHOOT HIM!  
Jazz: I'm tryin'! I'm tryin'!"  
That episode did not end well  
Style is not everything  
Surviving is

**#6 DO NOT COVER YOURSELF IN ENERGON AND PRETEND TO BE OFFLINED**  
I dumped a whole cube on myself  
I then dampened my energy signature and made it to where you couldn't feel my spark  
I screamed as loud as I could and collapsed to the floor  
Pretending to be offlined  
Ratchet, Ironhide, Jazz, and Prime came in quick (the others were on a mission)  
I think they all nearly had a sparkattack  
Ya shoulda seen the look on Doc-bot's faceplates!  
XD  
The lecture I got afterwords though...

**#7 ALWAYS SCOUT THE AREA FIRST**  
I was on a solo mission  
I had to shut down a power core  
I ran into it, helm first  
Aaaaaaand got attacked by two seekers  
It kinda went like this:  
Seekers: Die, Autobot!  
Me: OH SLAG! *warms up blasters* SEEKERS! *shoots blindly*  
They kicked my sorry little tailpipe

**#8 SNIPERS ARE TO BE SILENT AND DEADLY, NOT LOUD AND RANDO**M  
The big boss decided it was time I tried to be a sniper  
ME?  
A SNIPER?  
I know, crazy!  
But he thought it was a good idea for me to try new things  
...that and he couldn't find any more snipers (and believe me, he tried)  
So I was going to give it a whirl  
I was doing pretty well at first  
But the Decepticons kept MOVING!  
I couldn't get a good lock on them  
So I, throughly frustrated, yelled at them, "Why wouldn't ya'll be still?! So FRUSTRATING!"  
I lost it and chucked the sniper blaster at the 'con  
It took one guy out but do you think the 'bots cared?  
Nooooooooo  
Ungrateful Autobots...

**#9 NO REPAINTING YOURSELF TO LOOK LIKE A DECEPTICON**  
Not my fault!  
*points to Sideswipe* HE did it!  
It was just a prank  
But still  
The 'bots can't take any chances  
So I was seriously beginning to regret the day Sideswipe was protoformed when Omega Supreme mistook me for a Decepticon and nearly squashed me  
After the Autobots had established it was me beyond a shadow of doubt (although what 'con would pretend to be me?) I chased Sideswipe around yelling some not-so-nice things  
One solar cycle I will get you, Swiper, one solar cycle...

**#10 DO THE THING YOUR ENEMY LEAST EXPECTS YOU TO DO**  
Unfortunately for me, I am a very random femme so it"s hard to do something my enemies wouldn't expect me to do  
So when the Decepticons captured me, I had to compute fast  
I had done every weird thing in the datapad to catch the Decepticons off guard  
Which meant there was only ONE thing left to do  
I did something I would never do in my right mind  
BEGGED FOR MERCY  
I know, revolting, right?  
The Decepricons were stunned  
I was also shocked at how convincing I sounded  
Sideswipe: Maybe that's because you really WERE begging-  
Me: *tackles him* QUIET!  
Sideswipe: -for merc-  
Me: *smacks servo over his mouth* Pay no attetion to what this crazy mech says!


End file.
